White Wedding
by irishhair
Summary: Howard and Vince are finally getting married! This is a complete crack fic, not an attempt at serious prose in any way. Cameos from many minor characters. Surprise secondary pairings...


Vince was having a minor make up crisis, there was a smear of mascara on his upper eyelid, on top of several layers of carefully blended eyeshadow. He sighed in exasperation and wiped his right eye clean and started again. This was supposed to be the best day of his life and the bloody eye makeup let him down at the last gasp. There was a soft knock at the door and Naboo came in without waiting for him to open the door.

"I was sure I locked that," Vince said, looking over his shoulder at Naboo.

"I'm a powerful shaman, Vince. And there's a spare key on a hook out there," he said flatly, "How's it going?"

"I'm going to look like a slapper in my wedding photos, but, other than that, fan-bloody-tastic," Vince muttered murderously at his own reflection.

"We all think you're lovely," said Naboo, in a rare moment of flattery.

"Well I look like a lovely slag. Howard's parents are going to think he's gotten me pregnant or something..."

"You're a man, Vince," Naboo reminded him helpfully.

"Oh yeah. Men still don't have babies, then?"

"No."

~-~-~-~-~-~-

"Is this straight?" Howard asked anxiously, tugging at his bow tie.

"No," said Bollo without looking up from his magazine, "Vince a man."

"The tie, Bollo. Is the tie on straight?" Howard asked again.

"Nobody look at you. Precious Vince radiant bride. Groom. Radiant bridegroom." Bollo said off handedly, flipping through his magazine.

"I don't want to let the side down. If this goes on crooked I'll have to look at Vince wincing at the photos every anniversary for the rest of my life."

"If Vince love you when you look like that, he won't care about ties" Bollo sighed, closed his mag and got up to fix Howard's bow tie for him.

"Thanks Bollo," Howard smiled nervously.

"Break his heart and I'll kill you."

"Yes sir."

~-~-~-~-~-~-

"Bridegroom or groom?" Lester asked an empty patch of air, next to the guest.

"I'll find my own seat, squire," the mysterious green gentleman said, brushing past the blind man.

He meandered around the pews before sitting himself down beside a tall man with a large afro who was staring at a Mexican man "relieving" himself in the vestry.

"Which of the grooms are you with?" the green man asked him.

Rudi turned around and seemed to see the other man for the first time.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly, "My mind was elsewhere?"

"What's up with the dress then, son?" the Hitcher, for it was of course the manwitch himself, asked.

"Actually, that's a common misconception, this is not a dress, it's the robe of th-" Rudi started to correct him before he was interrupted again.

"So you a nonce then?" the Hitcher cut across him, with an ever decreasing amount of tact

"I am above base sexual desires," he sniffed.

"Oh so he won't let you then?"

"I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about."

"Mexican bloke? Uglier than a sack of pigs anuses? He's here with you isn't he?"

"Excuse me, I have to go and speak to... anyone else."

~-~-~-~-~-~-

"I don't trust them, they're stealing our look."

"They look nothing like us!"

"Look at her with her bloody milky lens. She's wearing your face! Doesn't that get you pissed off at all?"

"Getting me a bit randy actually."

"If you're unfaithful to me I'll kill her and make you eat her heart."

"Christ, you're hot when you're jealous."

~-~-~-~-~-~-

"Are they still staring?"

"...no"

"They are still staring, aren't they?"

"...maybe"

"Why are we here again?"

"We promised Naboo."

"Bloody Naboo."

"Play nice, darling"

"One double date with them and we're part of this bloody extended family of theirs."

"Free champagne at the reception though. And besides, everyone knows that sex after a wedding is the best. Except for the poor sods getting married obviously."

"Those electro girls are freaking me out. The little one keeps making stabby hand gestures."

"Little? She's the same height as you!"

"Shut your mouth!"

~-~-~-~-~-~-

Bryan Ferry was waiting to walk Vince up the aisle. He peeked around the corner at the crowded room. It seemed to be largely made up of scene kids looking fashionably bored, slightly nervous jazz fans and a much bigger selection of various monstrous beasts. In the corner a man made out of sandpaper was discretely chatting up a man made of chamois leathers and jay cloths.

He was feeling nervous. He wanted to be back in the forest with trees surrounding him on all sides. He'd sniffed his son's mother-in-law to be, on the neck, and it had all gotten considerably awkward. That would be interesting at the brunch for the close family tomorrow morning.

~-~-~-~-~-~-

Vince walked straight forward and all of a sudden, everything else fell away. He forgot about guest-lists and flower arrangements and his hair, and all he could fit into his world view was Howard waiting for him at the end of that long walk. He hadn't seen what Howard would be wearing, they'd decided that they'd already had there lifetimes share of bad luck resulting from broken traditions.

He had actually worn a suit. He'd been threatening to wear a Hawaiian shirt and shorts and Vince had been only just sure that he was joking. Vince himself was wearing an elaborate lacy tunic over a pair of knee length leggings. He hadn't felt comfortable in either a morning suit or a white dress so he'd settled for some kind of a mix of the two. He wasn't sure if the result was genius or just bizarre. The way Howard was looking at him, he didn't think it mattered anymore.

~-~-~-~-~-~-

".... You may now kiss the bride...groom," Dennis said finally and looked eagerly at the blushing newly-weds.

Howard shyly kissed Vince on the lips and Vince threw his arms around his neck. A plaintive cry went through the church and they broke apart to see Old Gregg sobbing onto the Hitcher's shoulder.

"Don't worry about him," Vince whispered, seeing Howard's slightly guilty expression, "He'll get some cock afterwards. Everyone loves the broken hearted ex-girlfriend at a wedding."

"We never actually went out per se, Vince. He kidnapped me," Howard replied quietly, into his husband's hair.

"You look beautiful," he said, cupping Vince's face in both hands.

"You're not so bad, yourself," Vince giggled, "Not as good as me, obviously, but I think Gregg won't be the only jealous bitch wishing me dead by the end of the night."

"Get in me wheelbarrow, you cheeky vixen."

"I was always in your wheelbarrow, Howard. I was just waiting for you to bloody notice."

They kissed again.

~-~-~-~-~-~-

Naboo was dancing by himself in the middle of the floor, pulling focus from everyone else, including Bob Fossil (who no one could quite remember inviting). He was intermittently accosted by small groups of girls who would whisper in his ear. Each time he would shake his head and they'd walk off, looking deeply disappointed. He was off his tits on free champagne (which wasn't all that free, considering that he was paying for the bulk of this wedding) and a couple of twelve skins he'd smoked in the jacks. He noticed Howard and Vince cuddling, or possibly even canoodling, in the corner and suddenly thought that going over to them would be a fantastic idea.

"Howard! Vince! You got married," he smiled widely and hugged them both enthusiastically.

"Why aren't you dancing, it's brilliant! All these girls keep asking me if I want to have a good time, but I'm already having a good time, what're they like? Hey, hey guys whose name are you taking? Or are you going to double bar it? Like Noir-Moon or Moon-Noir. Bollo doesn't have a last name, you know."

Vince was looking around desperately for the aforementioned ape to get Naboo to go and have a little lie down somewhere and Howard was looking at Naboo with concern.

"Hey Howard," Naboo leaned in conspiratorially, "I always liked you. You're a good man-thing-horse. Thing."

Howard patted him on the shoulder and he staggered over to one side.

"How come the room's moving? Am I paying for a moving room?" he said before falling backwards into his familiar's arms.

He looked up and giggled. Vince smiled at Bollo, who grunted shortly and led Naboo over to one of the couches around the periphery of the room. He lay him down gently and when he tried to leave, Naboo pulled him back, almost on top of him.

~-~-~-~-~-~-

"Look at that idiot making a complete arse of himself. I tell you Saboo, it's an outrage!"

"The only outrage here is that I was talking to a number of lovely ladies and then you insinuated yourself into the conversation and told them all that I was here with you!"

"You are here with me. You're the designated driver, you're here with all of us. If you go off with some bird, who's going to get us back? Kirk? He's worse than Naboo! And I haven't exactly been on orange juice all night either."

"Are you trying to imply that you could operate an automobile if you hadn't been drinking yourself into oblivion? I would pay good money to see you even shift gears."

"What? This is an outrage! Who are you? Jeremy Clarkson?"

"You had no right to let those girls think that I was shagging a testicle shaped balloon animal."

"As if, you couldn't have me even if you weren't a prize tit"

"I could too, have you. You're aching for me."

"Somebody's dreaming."

"I COULD HAVE YOU TWELVE WAYS FROM SUNDAY, YOU KNOB!"

~-~-~-~-~-~-

"Alright, I'm going to toss the flowers!" Vince called out before a tide of womenfolk materialised around him.

In the front, jostling for position, the goth girls and electro girls were trying to look casual and unbothered by it. Neon and Anthrax were glaring at each other while Ultra and Ebola conveyed their exasperation to each other with a shrug and a wink. Beside them, Mrs. Gideon was preening and smoothing her hair. Somewhere in the middle of the sea of girls, Eleanor, was managing to make every single man in the room anxiously down drinks and pray.

Howard looked at the throng of women treading on each other's toes and jabbing elbows into ribs, with horror. This looked like a riot in the making. Decades of feminism and "doing it for themselves", whatever "it" was, went out the window in the face of a bride(groom) throwing a bunch of flowers. It was absurd! He thought he saw Old Gregg in there somewhere....

The bouquet arced through the air, over the heads of the crowd, and the room was filled with the sound of fifty women (or close approximations) breathing in sharply. The flowers landed, with a soft rustle, in a pair of small hands. Naboo looked down at the flowers in his hands and back up at the murderous glares of the disappointed women. His cheeks turned red and he looked down again before thrusting the flowers towards Bollo.

"'Sfor you," he muttered.

Bollo starting to eat an orchid before looking at the shaman's shining eyes looking up at him. Oh. He swallowed nervously and the _Orchis saccifera_ caught in his throat. Naboo patted him on the back until his familiar stopped choking and shyly took his hand. The crowd of females looked less inclined to riot and some were blowing their noses and dabbing their eyes genteelly.

~-~-~-~-~-~-

In the back of the hired limo, Howard and Vince necked like teenagers after a dance. Or, like two people who had just gotten married.

"Made it," Vince sighed and nibbled Howard's ear lobe, sending a gust of warm air into his husband's ear.

"Just about," Howard agreed, kissing the inside of Vince's wrist.

"I still think we should have eloped and gotten married by Bowie," Vince said against Howard's throat.

"Naboo would have killed me if I took you away and robbed him of organizing the party."

"Cheeky little jack of clubs. D'ya think he had that planned with the flowers?"

"He looked pretty surprised. I think it might have been a happy accident."

"I didn't think much of those wedding cake dollies. I looked hideous!"

"Well, don't say anything to Leroy or you'll hurt his feelings."

"Oh alright. Howard?"

"Yes, little man?"

"I love you."

"I love you too."

"Pity Bono had that other party to go to..."

"Vince?"

"Yes?"

"Shut your face."


End file.
